“Mirror mirror on the wall…?” asked my post partum body…

woman holding mirror against her head in the middle of forest
Photo by Tasha Kamrowski on Pexels.com

I have always been a woman who never had a perfect hour glass body. I have always been curvy with voluptuous body and love handles. I have never been conscious of my body or how I have been. Always being comfortable with my skin I have always liked what I saw in the mirror. Whenever I asked my mirror what it saw, I would always get a reply saying it saw a confident, strong and beautiful woman.

When I conceived, there was this little human being growing inside me who was a catalyst for a number of changes happening in my body. I had a beautiful pregnancy where I was in control of my weight, my body and my emotions to some extent as well. I did not gain any weight during pregnancy and I felt like a go-getter. The extra estrogen made my hair look lustrous and my skin was glowing. I had no morning sickness, felt active and had a zeal until I delivered. This was like a fairy tale.

I had an extremely long labour that lasted almost 50 hours, counting time from the time my waters broke until the bub was in my arms. I had an episiotomy during the natural birth.

I always thought labor was difficult, but for me what followed was much more difficult. As if I felt universe brought me back to reality from my 9 months long fairy tale. There was this little human being that now had control over what was happening outside and inside me. I was just getting over the overwhelming emotions, when I had a rendezvous with my mirror after a long time. I hardly knew this person I was seeing. With teary eyes, I asked my mirror the same question ” Mirror mirror on the wall… ?” To which it replied seeing an appalling, dull and not so confident lady.

There I was standing stunned. Receding hairline, thin dull hair, dark circles under eyes, dull eyes, pale skin, dark underarms, dark neck tone, sagging engorged breasts that no more fitted in old bras, a belly that still looked pregnant after delivery…. With all this happening to my body I also had a plethora of emotions to handle. There was an ocean of mixed feelings. I would get angry, upset, irritated, agitated, happy, sad just with a drop of hat. I had begun to have self doubts. I did not feel like myself anymore. I did not like what I saw in my mirror. What was this I saw in the mirror!!! For the first time in my life I realised that I am a slave to my fluctuating hormones and not my mind but hormones have control over me.

But then staring at my own eyes in the mirror I saw a reflection of me that the mirror did not see.

I saw a woman who had given birth to a part of a new generation. This person was completely dependent on her. She did not have time to comb her hair or even have a leisurely shower forget the skin care and hair care regimes. She did not get sleep for a few hours at stretch because she had to feed the baby and change her. She had a natural process of a hormonal roller coaster that she did not have control to. Her womb expanded 500 times its size to make room for a human being. Her belly paunch was a place where the baby lived for 280 days. The breast was making room for more food for this little person for its survival. Her dark underarms and inner thighs were result of the hormones due to a growing baby. The vagina that stretched to get the baby out went through tears and stitches. Her body, mind and emotions have worked tremendously to successfully bring a life in this world.

This was just a phase and my eyes told me that this too shall pass. And just like these testing times where I was not liking my body, the time where my baby was growing up too shall pass. So then why not focus on the positive time that will never come back. I am not a celebrity having an army of hairdressers or makeup artists to make me look divine post pregnancy or has cameras following to see how soon I looked like a yummy mummy. I realised that there is no hurry. I can always go back having a desired image in the mirror when my hormones are a less crazy, and I am no longer a puppet to them. When my baby and I settle in and get adjusted with passing time. When I am no longer a puppet to them. Till then I told my mirror – not to judge me. I told that I will be back with a bang when the time is right for me personally.

Once again I asked, ” mirror mirror on the wall…. ” and my mirror replied it back that it saw a beautiful, strong and confident mother.

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